I’m listening to the 2021 playlist that Holly has made while I write this on a cold Monday morning.
The day began early with Max waking me up at 5am. I’ve got used to this now, and accepted that it’s going to be the norm, at least for a while.
With that acceptance it became much easier and less frustrating.
It’s also allowed me to change my days around. There’s this weird thing where your brain prevents you from doing things for a certain reason, and when you make a small change in the way you think, everything flips.
I am now walking the dog first thing in the morning while the children are having breakfast, getting home just gone 8am, in time to take them to school.
I’ll be the first to admit that it’s definitely not a routine yet, but I’m hoping to be able to make it into one.
Holly’s also joined a gym and loving it, which is great for someone who’s historically hated gyms.
These two things have made a huge difference. Why? Because both of us are doing something for ourselves. We’re getting thirty minutes a day that belongs to us.
That makes all the difference!
With regular encouragement from my mum, we’re also going out a few times a month, just the two of us. Once the kids are in bed, we pass the monitor over and head out for dinner, a movie or just a walk. It doesn’t really matter what (although eating is always good!). Every time we say how we should do it more regularly.
Now we’re considering taking a few days away to ourselves early next year.
Why has this been so important?
Because the last few months have been hard work. I mentioned that Max was struggling at school, he still is and it’s not something that’s likely to change anytime soon.
But that’s also a good thing, because with knowledge comes the ability to learn, plan and manage!
We’re now collecting him an hour early from school every day, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. This means he gets to miss the chaos of home time which is likely to hugely distress him. He struggles with large crowds and lots of noise, it overwhelms him to the point where he can’t cope.
The school have been amazing, they’ve got us connected with everybody who can help, and there’s now a big team around him who are continually adapting, changing and working to help him learn strategies to cope. We couldn’t have asked for more.
Make no mistake though, it’s not all sunshine and roses. Sometimes, when you’re on your knees with tiredness it can be very difficult to not get frustrated when you have a five year old screaming in your face for the nineteenth time that day. The only way through it, for me personally, is to constantly remind myself that he doesn’t want to be doing it, that he can’t cope with the sensory information coming into his brain (he also gets huge sensory overload) and doesn’t know what to do. When you remind yourself of this, it comes with a slight calming moment where you know all you can do is be patient, be there, talk to him, cuddle him, support him, because it will get better, and hopefully we know what caused the sensory overload so we can try and prevent it next time.
He has so much love to give, and he wants to give it to everybody. It makes my heart want to explode with love for him when I see him struggling to cope and not understanding what happens.
Holly and I will sometimes tag team when we know we’re getting overwhelmed or frustrated, when those moments happen you always feel a bit of guilt that you should be doing better. I think it’s impossible to stop, but when you’re surrounded by supportive family and friends like we are, then they step in to remind you that you’re only human. And that means the world.
Alongside this we need to make sure Lyra realises that she’s no less important than Max. By necessity Max gets more of my time, often I am the only one who can calm him down or who he’ll let near to help. And when he’s hugely overwhelmed that can take anything from 30 minutes to a couple of hours.
But at three years old, Lyra is aware of it. Which means very careful balancing of time, so she knows that I love her just as much as Max. Giving her the attention and time she needs and wants (and that I also want) is just as important. I haven’t been as good at this over the last couple of months while we’ve been adjusting to Max at school, but this weekend that changed.
Why?
Because both Holly and I are getting out more. We’re spending a bit of time on our own as well as together.
This gives time for your brain to relax, focus and be calmer.
The last few weeks we’ve been trying a new app called Mightier. It comes with a watch which measures your pulse, when Max plays it the pulse is changed into an emotion on the screen and you have to bring it back under control to continue playing the game.
A great idea.
Some reviews are good, some are bad. I think it’s going to be very child dependent. Some it will work for and some it won’t.
The verdict is still out for Max, but you can check out what it’s all about at
https://www.mightier.com/
Despite all this going on, we’ve managed to navigate two birthday parties, got planning permission to do a loft conversion for my mother-in-law, moved all our final boxes out of storage into the house, begun re-doing our living room, and… we’re still working!
For both Holly and I work is the calmest part of the day. It’s taken a few weeks to work out a way to work full days with Max coming home early, but it feels like we’re nearly there. There’s enough flexibility that it changes week to week, but fixed enough that it feels routine.
Generally, we both take them to school on Monday, Thursday and Friday. On Tuesday and Wednesday Holly takes them to school, with my mum taking one of them sometimes.
I pick Max up early Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, with Holly doing Monday and Tuesday. I try to get Lyra at least one day she’s at nursery (she goes three days a week), but if I can I’ll do two days, particularly now Holly is going to the gym when she finishes work.
Which means the most focused part of the day is from morning until lunchtime.
The good news… I LOVE what I’m doing at the moment.
I’m working with One of many on their tech integration, simplification and scaling. What a beautiful group of people, never before have I seen such a kind, supportive and welcoming group of people across a company.
My horse racing company is in the process of being re-structured to disrupt the industry, and I’m so freakin excited by it I can’t wait to release the first version.
Honestly, I’ve got no idea if what’s planned is going to work. But being able to bring people into horse racing who know nothing about it, without having to learn what everything means, excites me. It’s a great sport, a sport I love, and there’s nothing better I can offer it than to do my best to share how enjoyable it is with people who don’t know about it.
That’s what we’re planning on doing, starting with phase one this Christmas!
I’ve also been playing the guitar a little bit recently (thank you Dastardly for the kick in the ass to pick it up).
Weirdly, this also spurred me to locate our Wii controllers and plug in Guitar Hero. I don’t know if this game even still exists, but Holly and I were rocking out last night, and man… it gets tough when you get to the top levels.
Both of us love computer games. I actually sat down and played my PS4 for a bit last night, and felt pretty old when I saw that there’s now a PS5. Doesn’t matter though, I loved it. Max is even playing Cars on it and slowly beginning to understand how the controls work. I love watching him slowly learn, it takes me a lot of self control to not try to show him how to do it, but if I did it would ruin the fun, which is all in the discovery!
Google Docs just alerted me that I’ve now written four pages, so I’ll sign off. But before I do, if you have autism, have a child with autism, or are just interested, I recently found Agony Autie at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCN9fwImPnx16e8-eThlKCWQ
So far I’ve only watched one video, but it gave me such an insight I’ve now bookmarked the channel to watch more.
Until next time.
Michael Wilding
P.S. If you have any advice on managing sensory overload without traditional medication then please let me know.
Hi Michael,
So good to hear from you. It's been a long time since I was in touch, my apologies for that. I didn't realise that Max was autistic which will inevitably take some adjusting to but as I would expect you and Holly are building routines that provide the very best for everyone.
Good to hear that you are moving forward with your horse racing company which I know is a big love of yours.
Also good to hear that you are picking up a guitar. I've been surrounded by guitars since my teens and picking one up has chilled me out on so many occasions. I'm about to launch a membership site for guitar/budding guitar players with a long time friend of mine. He's a much better guitar player than me, in fact, I've been more of a bass player over the years and only ever gigged on guitar.
Good to hear that you are settling into your, probably not so new, home by now and that you and Holly are finding time for each other. That is so important in a marriage and where many of them fail.
Hopefully we'll be able to meet up again in the not too distant future if we ever beat Covid and if Martin does more London lunches. But don't know if you heard, he's now getting over a heart attack and may not do the lunches again.
Take care, hope your launch goes well.
Kindest regards to you all,
Trevor
You are a wonderful family !
I know that I have been very lucky with my two sons, one in college and the other a vet but that does not mean you are any less fortunate, just the opposite. Your lives were always going to be shaped by your children and you will/are adapting to allow yourselves the time and space for each one of you. We all have to in our own worlds.
What is heart-warmingly apparent is that your whole family is working together.
My very best wishes,
Graham (Dastardly)